So I am one to admit I’m not super exorbananly happy with my job but C’est La Vie. I need a way to take care of myself and my kids and so a job is required. As such I’ve been working hard to get a pay raise and a bonus promised for good stats and attendance. I’ve been anxiously awaiting for this ever possible pay raise for 5 months.

I got it!

I got the Pay raise. I got the bonus… Now what does that mean? I know you’re thinking “Uhhh… congratulations?” well yes! This means I can get a new computer to get back into my sites and groove and I’ll have it all back to normal again… Well sort of. I’m not intending to get another laptop, I’ll be getting a desktop finally. I don’t think I’ve owned a desktop since I’ve personally owned computers. I know my parents did. So I’m so estatic right now that I’ve been bounding out of my skin all week. Now all I have to do is make the decision on the computer I’m going to make or build.

Just thought you all may like to know!

So I have been vacant lately and the past few I’ve been more so then normal. Well if you were curious my computer just crashed officially. Not a big thing I am pretty sure, right now, it is the monitor or the video card but it is an ancient laptop so that means I am lassoed to my tablet which is tedious to type on, or rely on other peoples computers which I prefer to not have to do. This means even more then having an overwhelming job I have only this tablet to do my hobbies on until I can afford a replacement computer. All projects are on hold until completion.

Sorry guys. But poke me on Twit, facespace or my messengers if you want to chat it up.

So this isn’t a new revelation to me. It was developed in lower school grades and as I got older it didn’t go away. It’s still a major issue for me to know that I’m doing good or looking good or whatever rendition thereof that I need to make sure that I’m living up to or better then people’s expectations of me. I know, particularly shallow of me, but it’s majorly where my shiny attitude comes from. Shine on me or be shiny around me and I’m a shiny person if I don’t get shined on then I’m normally gloomy. It makes sense if you think about the sun and clouds. <_<

So I have my boy and I love his cute little face to death but when I start to get a little down the small amount of affection, that was getting me down in the first place most likely, drops off the face of the earth which just plummets me into a very sad and serious panda. Last night I had a breakdown. He was on the game again and I was missing my kids and my affection from any facet. I was not feeling so shiny and it’s hard for me to relay these things most of the time verbally (normally I just beg for attention in other ways, shaking my bum or getting in your face or try to get touchy feely or my worst case scenario is sighy and quiet). I feel like everything I say is clouded to him because I back it up with emotions no matter what it is. He thinks it’s a device or something and I just try to hide it now but that just makes me all the more frustrated. I’ve considered ways to approach him about it but I can’t find one giving up instead and I’m afraid that if I don’t find this way and keep conceding defeat then I’m going to explode (as I normally do with these things) and then all hell will break loose (as they normally do) and I don’t want it to happen that way I want it to work out but I don’t have a good way to say, “just because I’m depressed doesn’t mean you should drop affection.” it’s frustrating me. I’m confused. I’m hurt all over.

I know part of this is my normal lack of children interaction during the days at work. I get default affection from them, even if it’s simply “MOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM” or screaming and crying. I still get it and I know I’m needed and wanted. My things are always there for me and I love them all the more for that but I want the boy to be there for me to. I wish there was a “How to read signals” or “How to read minds” book that I can read and introduce to my boyfriend because I think this would fix most of my problem here.

I do appreciate you guys listening to me rant. I feel a little less upset and angry about it now because I sound a little silly I know. I also know that I do need to find a positive way to negotiate an understanding of how to make me feel better when I don’t feel great. Normally even forcing me to stop and just giving me a hug and a passionate kiss would help. I just like to feel wanted no matter what is gong on. The world could be crumbling around and life still wouldn’t be that bad.

I want this to work but I can’t keep trumping what I need because he gets mad at me.

So I feel that my Morrgroove or Morrmojo or Mojo-Jojo is gone and never coming back. I feel uninspired dull and downright blechy most days. I’ll sit at my computer and things that make me inspired and happy to do online feel like chores. It’s not supposed to be this way. My hobbies should feel fun and exciting to come home to. I should want to get all of my other stuff out of the way so I can sit down and enjoy the happy things and life. But I don’t and it depresses me.

So the normal responses that I’m sure I’ll here is “Get a new hobby” or “If it depresses you then find out why” well I don’t know why. I love being at my computer. I love writing. I love coding websites. I love making images. I LOVE Rping and yet all of these things don’t inspire me at all.  This could be the 12 hour days at work but really if that’s what is killing it for me then why did I enjoy them in the first place? Because it killed time? I used to itch to get home and turn on my laptop and see all the amazing things I missed that day and regret missing it. Now it’s just one more thing I need to do.

I need my Morrmuse back. It’s gone and I can’t find it. If you see her please send her straight back with my brain. It would be muchly appreciated.

So as always I Morr fuck things up. I swear I have a natural aversion to goods things in my life. It’s like when good things come my way I avoid them like the plague but when bad things come I’m attracted to it like a magnet.

The newest Morrfuckup is that I met this guy (and don’t groan and be like oh one of those stories. STFU and listen) and it turns out that we have a lot in common. Mind you I’ve recently discovered that since I like a lot of things that I have a lot in common with a lot of guys. It’s really easy to find things that you have in common if you have a lot to be in common about, but it’s oddly different. I’m talking right down to the enjoying Hentai and porn here people. But anyways, I digress. So I fucked things up last night and really it is my fault and I know it is. I get overly sensitive especially when I don’t fully understand the gravity of what I’m not supposed to be let in on and it hurts, I’ll add a needless to say that I wasn’t in the best of moods because it was in fact the Anniversary of my brother David’s Death and it always hits me like a ton of bricks when I’m thinking it isn’t coming for me.

ANYWAYS! I got upset for no reason but it was a reason because I didn’t understand and I know that’s part of me but then when I tried to cheer him up he snapped at me and that just hurt my feelings and I’ve been hurt ever since.

Now afterward, this is one thing that we work on different wavelengths on and it’s difficult for me because part of it goes over my head and the other part of it just hits a brick wall and it totally throws me for a loop but he has no mannerisms. Or let me correct and say he has few mannerisms and it makes it hard to read. Now he tells me to just ask but I don’t like to ask. I feel pesteringy when I ask because I feel like that’s all I’m doing but he tells me to do it anyways and the other thing is that I have never been able to take things at face value. Ever. People don’t talk like that. There is always underlying innuendo or something that I’m missing and even with what happened there was because I just didn’t know the difference between upset and freaking out. It’s a big difference and it makes it difficult to know what to do if I don’t know what that difference is. Another difference is when I’m upset, no matter how I’m upset (sometimes even when I tell you to get the fuck away) I want to be cheered up or pushed back on. I like to know I’m wanted and I know he wants me but instead of getting push back I pretty much just fell over.

Zayzie did cheer me up a bit but then I fell right back down the pit when I talked to him today.

So I said mean things that I did and didn’t mean. At least I think so. I’ve been hurt and I’m sad and all cry-ey which is really odd. I only say that because of all of the boys I’ve been with I didn’t cry for too long afterwards or regret it really either. I mean I sometimes wish there were ways to fix it but looking back I’m better off without and I really regret the things I said.

He’s mad at me and I understand. I broke up with him because I was upset.

I’m a Morron.

I feel bad and I love him but I don’t know if it’s fixable. I hate when I can’t fix it.

Another thing is he doesn’t like when I apologize but I apologize a lot. It’s just something I do. Whether it’s because I’m a submissive or I’m genuine or I feel that it’s the way to get everyone happy again. I like when people are happy. I like to be happy so I apologize and he hates it and he snaps at me about that too. I don’t know what to do to fix it as I can’t wipe it away but C’est La Vie.

As always. I fuck everything up.

I am a horrible person. And we weren’t even testing for that.

#Morrfail

So the month of NaNoWriMo begins and I am ill prepared and barely aware. >_< I have been sitting, considering what I would write about for three weeks, never making solid plans and now it’s here and I have little to no idea what I will be writing about during the tumultuous time of NaNo. I have nothing more then a basic world idea and the fact that I want to write about it.

Morrfail!

So what does this mean? I need to go crazy about thinking at work on my breaks and my time off of the phones to figure out what direction I will go after work and really hammer some stuff out. On average I will have 2 hours a day to actually get any writing done. I don’t think that I’ve ever powered out 1600 words of writing per day in 2 hours but I’m certainly going to try.

At the moment my ideas are to either continue Supermassive (the novel I started last year) or start one of two ideas. One is a Girls Run the world novel about how their is an STD that kills women or one about how an innocent company creates an overbearing Social media platform that creates a dystopia. I think the former is the one I’ve decided on I just don’t know the perspective I was writing from. I was pretty sure I was going to do it post war but maybe I’ll do it pre-war but at the same time I have to figure out who is writing the story and why. Work will have it in for me. I better start the headache meds now.

Well to the work chopping block and headache and to the NaNo not prepared grind! I can do this!